Whose table it is, who you're toasting (if anyone in particular), what this year has actually been like for the people there, and one or two true stories. Small and specific beats a round-robin-letter recap of the whole year.

No, and it will not guess. Say as much or as little as you want acknowledged, and it stays exactly in that register — a death, a house move, a falling-out and simply not travelling this year all read differently, and it will not assume between them.

Tell it that in your answers and it treats the room differently — no joke about redundancy, appraisals or job security, ever, at a workplace party. Say who is actually in the room and it keeps to that register throughout.

Set a length and the draft is timed to match — most Christmas toasts run about a minute, which is roughly what the room can hold before someone's turkey goes cold. A short version arrives too, for when the room is even more restless than planned.

Top up once, then top up again when your balance runs low. Christmas Toast Speech Writer is about 28p — never more than 40p — and you are charged only what it actually used. A job that fails to generate spends nothing at all.